Battling Future Thinking
Like any Type A personality, I battle with stress and anxiety, especially when it comes to control. I guess you could say I have some control issues. While I live and work in a world that is constantly in flux (and I can handle all that fairly seamlessly), it's the little things that I want to have complete control over. Sure, I never know if I'll be home or traveling in a week from now and that causes no issues. If I wake up to more tasks, errands or chores than expected, I may freak. Overall, it's the weight and to-do list that wreaks havoc.
I find myself thinking, 'when I get back to my pre-surgery weight, I can be happy and have a little more flexibility.' Maybe enjoy what I'm eating. Or 'after June, the Tour of California and work calming down, I can relax and find some free time for a hobby or two.' Maybe enjoy going to a movie or taking an afternoon off.
I think it's this future thinking that causes my anxiety and stress. I do it because it helps me compartmentalize and soldier on but it means that if even the slightest fluctuation from my planned scheduled makes me feel like I failed. I feel I didn't work hard enough. I wasn't focused enough. I didn't give it my all.
Let me tell you, that's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. And it isn't all that helpful. All I honestly have control over is right now, and even then it isn't control. It's more a flow of making decisions. My aim should be 'make more good decisions than bad ones.' Not 'make every decision exactly right.'
And to be honest, life isn't going to be perfect, flexible and easy once I get back to the pre-surgery weight or when work lightens up. It'll be something else that will keep tensions high. So I'm going to keep focusing on making good, healthy and positive choices now and hopefully, all those little steps will keep me on a good path.